Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Fantastic Life! Why disturb it? [May 21 8:09 PM]


"Once you are in a relationship, you get a pleasure by giving importance to the other person’s likes and dislikes. That is the price you pay for enjoying the romance and commitment." -- A.T



Last Monday morning, a friend asked me in office a casual question: "How is it going man?"


It is casual because we spent the weekend together.


I had lunch at their home (Saturday), went to a movie, played volleyball on Sunday evening.


But I thought for a few seconds pondering for a true reply: "Fantastic."


He added, "Good, no complaints!?"


"No complaints."


"That's good. ...See you."


After sitting in my chamber, I thought this way:


"Fantastic! Yes, fantastic. Only thing I haven't had was -- enough money, I am earning it now.


I have no liabilities. No dues. I feel fresh as if I enjoy taking a bath.


I have a good reputation in my work place. I am enjoying my job.


I am playing volleyball every evening. I enjoy co-players cheering my effort.


I am healthy. I am slowly getting into shape. Putting on somw weight.


I think I am good-looking. I am in a good company of people.


I am enjoying good Indian food. Luckily I am fond of Burgers.


What else?


For any common Indian man at 26, once all the basic needs are fulfilled...


...the next expected step in life is marriage.


But why?


Why disturb my 'fantastic life'?


Does it in any way improve the quality of life?


All I see is additional responsibility, sacrifice, loss of freedom, extra burden...


And, what are the returns I might get at the cost of risking my 'fantastic life'?


I wanted to seek the openion of a frank married man. Who else? The same friend.


I sent him an email:



From:

Reddy, Ramanadha
Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 2:06 PM
Subject: What was the need that pushed you to get married?

Tell me in three sentences.



His quick response, here it is:


Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 2:11 PM
To: Reddy, Ramanadha
Subject: RE: What was the need that pushed you to get married?


At one point I had strong feeling that I wanted to be with a female more than bunch of guys. i e Hormonic drive)


I am a Traditional Indian never had easy access to womans body, and marriage was the only option)


She was going to get married to some one else if I hadn’t acted at that point, I was terribly wanted something like her and I didn’t want to let it go.



I felt happy about his frank response. I like this kind of people who are not afraid of telling the truth.


From: Reddy, Ramanadha
Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 2:25 PM
Subject: RE: What was the need that pushed you to get married?


Thank you so much for the frank response.


Today morning you asked me "How is life?", I said "Fantastic."


You said, "No complaints!?" I nodded, "Yes". I was correct at the moment.


I got this question immediately: "If my life fantastic this way, why should I ever get married to somebody?"


I am worried that THE harmonic wave sweeps me into the ocean of marriage and makes me struggle ever after.


Once in, for every thing I need my partner’s approval. For every move I need to be considerate.


Once in, I can’t be ‘my self’ anymore; can’t easily get out of it when I feel uncomfortable.


Still, if I am questioned "Are you sure, you don’t want to get married?". I say ‘yes’, but that ‘yes’ sounds like "I …don’t know".


God bless me!!!



I wanted him speak more so that I may get some useful information from his experience.


You don't get many people who can be this bold and honest in expressing thier views. He says more:


Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 3:16 PM
To: Reddy, Ramanadha
Subject: RE: What was the need that pushed you to get married?


There is a pleasure and an un-measurable return I get when I decide to not to do something because she doesn’t like it ;)


Once you are in a relationship, you get a pleasure by giving importance to the other person’s likes and dislikes.


(That is the price you pay for enjoying the romance and commitment.)


Just give you an example, you made a decision not to go to Austin with us , because you wanted to give company to Harsha to get his car repaired.



That is something fresh.


The price is NOT "losing my freedom".


He says, it is... "giving importance to the other persons likes and dislikes".


A few pleasures at the cost of a little freedom. I said:



From:

Reddy, Ramanadha
Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 5:22 PM
Subject: RE: What was the need that pushed you to get married?

Great relief to know the positive end of that life... but at present, I don’t see any obvious reason (except getting physical) to disturb my ‘fantastic life’.


I am worried about one thing: Before convincing myself and getting psychologically prepared to, I may marry some one because of the only reason that I would get old.


If this happens I may feel defeated, lost and compromised in a big way. God bless me again ;-)



Sent:

Monday, May 15, 2006 5:44 PM
To: Reddy, Ramanadha
Subject: RE: What was the need that pushed you to get married?

That’s rite. obviously you are not ready to get married. We will talk this offline..


There will be a point in your life where you can appreciate being hooked with a female ..



And, here is another friend who is busy and excited about change in his solo-life.


He is my classmate and one in our BCA closed circuit batch: Jeevan. Mr.Frank.


I asked the same question: "What was the need that pushed you to get married?


Tell me in four sentenses. He responded like this:



I don't know what it's all about ... in these days there is almost no
day that someone pops out a question "When are you getting married?"
Few months ago I would have just smiled thinking that was part of a
casual chat. Day in day out it's turns out to more a reality, It
doens't get anything less serious. Almost to the point of getting a
bit frustrated. May be it's the season of wedding. I see wedding cards
updated on our department's notice board like daily news.

Clearly I'm not desperate, am I? I've lived alone for so many years,
perfectly free. Why should get into this? Why should I get married?
And why now if at all I should be married. Especially, when in the
odds of ending with the wrong person, for LIFE!

Well, I do a bit of study and research at the topics that influence
life. And, marriage is something that we all go about in this age.
Glad our dear friend
Ramnath raised the issue.'What was the need that pushed you to get
married?' (I welcome like to raise lot of discussion/ debate on that
later)

The best place we can understand life is to see the nature. When we
see the birds, the trees, the flowers ... all flora and fauna. There
is wonderful rythm ... the seasons of spring, autumn, fall. One has to
give life to the other, make the generations move forward. Life has to
give birth, live, nurture itself and the offspring and someday ...
die! Sadly, we do not want to hear the word die ... but truth be told
we go to die. If Jeevan says he is not getting there then it's
selfishness and mere short-sightedness of this life.

Our natural instincts of expecting love & care are the proof that we
need this. To be honest, every human being has this emotional need of
love & care especially expressed through sex. To be painfully frank.
Emotional support is vital in life. Twenty or thirty years down the
line, Jeevan may not be so emotionally strong and young in approach to
life. The perfect proof, that I realise as I contemplate on life, is
creation, nature. Our body is a perfect example of symmetrical
harmony. Of course, we do not need two eyes to see something. One is
enough. One leg is enough to walk (or better describe to hop) and
move. They say it takes two hands to clap ... and there I see the
reality ... it takes two to walk in this sometimes, tough path called
life. I don't say it's impossible, but how much more better is two to
share the pain and laughter in this life. Two eyes together add the
three dimensional reality to vision. May be, I can also say that two
eyes are better than one to see something from a different perspective.

And why now? We can go back to nature for inspiration and learning.
There is season of fall and a season of autumn and a season of spring!
There is time to laugh and time to cry. 'eh vayasu muchata aa vayasulo
jaragali'

Ramnath, let me know your views on it. I'm all set to go much deeper
into this topic.

Coming back to my scenario when someone asked 'When are you going to
get married?' Very innocently and with a touch of sadness I said
"Telvadu" :)

I'll now get back to work ....




He is coming up again with his heart out...in his next mail.


Now just see this conversation (Yahoo! chat) with Nagireddy Sunil Kumar...


My classmate in M.Sc(IS), roommate in (LangarHouse) Hyderabad.


He is another Mr.Frank.


He used to admire my on-the-face responses and Telugu accent.



Ramu: "why you want to marry after 3 years? is it only because everybody does it at that age? what is the need that pushes you". Think about it and mail me.


sunil kumar: I don't care abt everybody


sunil kumar: if that is the case then I should start looking now only


sunil kumar: I have some goals


sunil kumar: after achieving them I want to marry


sunil kumar: And I know it will take 3 years to achieve them


sunil kumar: thats why after 3 years


Ramu: goal is ok, but why do you want to marry after achieveing your goals?


Ramu: that is what I need. Why marriage?


sunil kumar: obvious reason


sunil kumar: need a companion who will be along with you in every turn of your life


sunil kumar: it may seem some what unrealistic


sunil kumar: but that is the reason for me


Ramu: you don't want to take some time, think and tell me in your mail?


Ramu: is it your response? that's all?


sunil kumar: not necessary


sunil kumar: no need to think abt it


Ramu: alright


Ramu: thank you for your frank response.


Ramu: week end has started it seems



Finally, what are MY views? Let me talk to a few more people :-)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Like u, i too had so many doubts on an institution called Marriage.At times even the thought of getting tied in a relation with a stranger sounded like a nightmare to me.But then came across a book ..a very simple book on relations...i was taken away by those simple lines on marriage:
you get tested in marriage..you find out what u are and who the other person is...and how u accomodate and dont.
There are few rules:
If u dont respect the other person you r goona have trouble
If u dont know how to compromise u r gonna have trouble
If u cannot talk openly about whats going between u and the other person ..TROUBLE
If u dont have a common set of values BIG TROUBLE..The biggest one those values is "UR BELIEF IN MARRIAGE"
After reading those lines and with few real time disscussions i am at peace....
Life is fantastic...lets hope with marriage it stays wonderful and beautful too...

Ramanadha Reddy said...

Thank you Mr/Ms Anonymous :)
I agree with you. Especially on open talk and discussion between the couple.

The Eternally Confused... said...

"
Why marry?

Marriage is an institution and who wants to be in an institution?

Get hooked with a stranger for the rest of your life, you must be crazy!
"

Thousand such responses later and a couple of the marriage meets (pelli choopulu) later, I did decide to walk down the proverbial aisle and yes, with a total stranger.

Why, you may want to ask? - I can reply back to it saying "why not?".

Yes, as a guy the hormonal drive, the need for a physical companion etc maybe the driving factor.

For girls, its just another thing. Life is never really considered complete without a husband for us. As you said, a good job, nice lifestyle, good friends to keep company. Life seemed good. And any suggestion to ma or dad, for buying a flat or a car or even a two wheeler - "Ippudu awasarama? Pelli ayaaka decide chesko. Ee America oo alliance kudirithey ee investment waste kada?" :)

So in the end unless you know which part of the world you other half is, even a two wheeler down payment is forbidden :D

Sare, for now you have a friends circle. A group of say 6-7 singles. Even if one gets engaged, try and notice the marked changes in the behavior. Suddenly phone calls that last hours together on topics that are not worth a hmmm seem much more important than the till-recently-essential buddy time together. Once a majority of them go down the commitment path, the odd single of the group feels left alone.

Then comes the need to get someone special in their life as well. Someone who will be happy with you, sad with you, angry with you but for sure someone who will be WITH you. And believe me such a feeling is a rare thing.

Coming from a generation of young earners who are single in their late twenties with a X number of crushes and Y y number of heartaches and a Z-figured bank balance, I can assure you of one thing.

The Xs, Ys and the Zs notwithstanding, marriage or engagement is still a class apart.

The feeling of "owning" someone while being "owned" by them simultaneously is a pure beautiful and indescribable(?!?!) joy.

Experience it, then you will realize what is it that you have missed so far.

Oops! I meant to leave behind a comment and left a mini-blog instead.

Hi, this is Archana. Trivikram Garu forwared this post to me. Very apt thoughts and a very normal dilemma in life. Thought should help you out by sharing my two pence :)

రానారె said...

:)

Thank you Archana. I will talk to you once again after taking the plunge.